The Zoo and Spicy Food

When I was 17, I was going to the Zoo with my family to celebrate my little brothers 6th birthday. The night before we had gone out to dinner and had spicy food. As much as I love it, my stomach hates it. So anyway, the next morning I slept in late by accident so I didn't get to have a shower or go to the bathroom, just get changed, have breakfast and leave.
We got there around 11:50AM if I recall right.
I had terrible stomach cramps in the car and when I got out they got even worse.
My brother wanted to see everything and every other kid at the zoo, he was constantly running around and making us go in circles. It was making me even more sick. My stomach constantly made noises so loud, I'm surprised no one besides me heard them.
I knew if I didn't get to a toilet soon I would explode! and it wouldn't be a pretty explosion like fireworks, it would be nasty.
At around 1:00PM we sat down to have the lunch that my mum had prepared, and oh what joy, she put hot sauce on my sandwich. Usually I love hot sauce on sandwiches but not this time. I managed to force it all down. We were sitting on the ground by a tree, my mum wanted to stay in the shade for a while. The cramps came back and..lets just say I know how tubes of toothpaste feel now. It felt like someone had a strong hold on my bowels and was squeezing reeally hard.
I told myself I could wait a little longer...wrong.
I started to get reeally gassy and managed to let out a few farts without crapping myself. But the smell was like no other.
While my mum and dad relaxed in the shade, I felt like we'd never leave that spot, when suddenly my brother said he had to go to the toilet, I jumped up offering to take him to the bathroom.
So we headed off, well, my brother ran and I walked slowly, trying not to mess myself.
We got to the restroom and praise God, he wasn't making it easy for me that day. Only one was free and I knew I couldn't go and leave my brother there so I let him go first.
I started crossing my legs gripping my butt cheeks together, my bowels were on fire from the spicy food.
I thought I was gonna blow when suddenly came the sweet sound of someone flushing the toilet...buut when they came out I made a dash for it and when I went in I saw that there was no toilet paper left. Oh joy. I stood there waiting for someone else to finish or my brother, when suddenly I couldn't hold it anymore, my bowels literally exploded! It was volcanic. And of course, I had chosen boxes over briefs that day, it wasn't pretty, nor did it feel pretty. the restroom was suddenly drenched in the smell of sh!t. And I could have sworn I heard someone gag, twice.  The sh!t started running down my leg and into my shoe.
I went to the door of the stall my brother was in and told him to stay there (I didn't want him to run off on top off what just happened)
I slowly made my way to the the stall with no toilet paper and sat down. MY bowels again exploded into the bowel, making a noise I can only describe as chunky mud falling into a pool of water. The person in the stall next to me started coughing and someone else gagged again. My little brother, who was still in his stall yelled out "eeew someone has smelly poop" I yelled across my stall for him not to yell and the strain in my voice must have given me away and he yelled "eeeew it was you! (my name) you stink!"
Again, I let lose again and was starting to my myself sick with the smell.
After about a minute the other stalls opened and the people left. I then called to my brother to hand me some toilet paper. He called back "no way get it yourself stinky" I started to get mad and begged him to get me some toilet paper. Luckily for me (kinda) some other guy had just walked in as I said it and he was nice enough to hand me some over the door. Once I was cleaned up, I knew flushing would in no way make things better, so I closed the lid and left it. I noticed nothing had soaked through my boxers, I threw them out, and had to walk around the rest of the day with just my jeans. When we got back to my parents, they asked what took us so long and my brother blurted out that I 'nearly killed him with my smell'
I'll never live it down.
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Doctor knows best

I had to go have an ultrasound and sonogram (internal), to discover how bad the endometriosis was and how it was effecting my insides. The appointment was very early in the morning, and I slept in late, so I had a bagel and went on my merry little way.
At the doctors I started to feel my tummy rumble a little. I didn't think anything of it because I hadn't eaten a real breakfast and was nervous about the diagnosis. So when it was my turn, I was in for a surprise.
The appointment when an hour longer then necessary. While they filled me up with fluids, I felt that similar rumble in my tummy. The doctor told me to use the restroom, and I told her I would be fine.
It wasn't until I got home that shit hit the wall (literally).
I was out front of my parents house talking to my grandpa on the phone. My parents left to go to an auction, when it hit me. And I mean it HIT me. The cold sweats, the clenching of the meat cheeks, the heavy breathing... Everything. I tried to get off the phone, but my grandpa wouldn't stop talking. I finally hung up on him, telling myself I would tell him my phone died.
I ran to the side door and grabbed the handle,keeping my thighs as close and as tight as I could. The door was locked. I waddled to the back door, having to stop every ten seconds because of the abuse on my chocolate starfish. The back door was locked. At this point, I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it. I sat on the ground trying as hard as I could to keep it in, then decided it was time.
I started walking towards the back corner of the back yard, cheeks clenched and ass sticking out. Everything from my belly button down hurt. About halfway to the corner, it started. Liquid flowed from my ass crack and there was nothing I could to stop it. At this point I was sobbing, asking myself "WHY!?" over and over. I made it to the corner of the yard and it looked like someone sprayed a fire extinguisher full of shit all over the side of my parents shed. The worst part was, I have never seen ANYTHING in my life that green. I thought it was going to burn through the metal on the shed and leave holes in the ground. Straight up looked like melted pistachio ice cream mixed with green food coloring.
I squatted in the corner crying my eyes and asshole out for about ten mins, until I decided I was finished. It was EVERYWHERE! All over my pants, my leg, the shed, the ground... I was so pissed off at my parents for locking their doors. I knew I needed to take a shower, so I went around the house trying to force doors open. It was then I realized there was a window open. I hosed myself down a little so I wouldn't drip acid green ass vomit all over the floor.
Ad I ed in through the window, my moms dog started growling at me. Pissed off at the world, I screamed at the top of my lungs... "SHUT UP I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!!" He tucked his tail between his legs, seemingly feeling sorry for me.
I ripped my clothes off and shoved them in the washing machine, and took a shower. When I came out, my parents were home. The first thing my mom said?
"What smells like shit?"
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Surprise!

Well it all started when I was getting ready to go to my girlfriends house-I had terrible stomach pains but I thought that they would pass...BIG MISTAKE. It was a 2 hour drive to her house and I could feel the poo building up inside me. I was about half way there when it hit me, I hadn't been to the toilet for several days and suddenly the 4-day poop came out. It wasn't diarrhea it was just a massive firm poop. I carried on driving and I realised that it didn't actually smell so I carried on towards my girlfriends house...ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE.I got there and we talked for a bit, all the while I had this warm log of poop in my tight panties. This would have been okay if my girlfriend hadn't proceded to jump on me and rip off my jeans and pants spraying the warm poo everywhere.
I was so embarrassed that I just picked up the log of poop and my clothes and sprinted to the car.
Suprisingly, however, we are still going out after I explained the incident in full to her. Turns out that she has done the same thing many times before
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Poop..... A Love Story.

A few years back, I ended a long term relationship with a girl whom I thought would eventually become my wife.  We met in high school and dated for almost 8 years, but things and people change and we went our separate ways.  As all good friends do, they constantly wanted me to come out to the bars in hopes of getting me laid and help me through the "moving on" phase. It definately helped, but this was only fun for so long.

Complaining one day to a co-worker about my situation, she suggested I try one of those online dating services and recommended EHarmony, as this site was how she and her current boyfriend had met.  I agreed to give it a try and within a few weeks I was dating.

I had met a girl with whom I shared many common interests and we eventually started talking on the phone.  Things were going great and it was finally time to move on to the next phase and meet face to face.  We set a date to meet for dinner on the following Friday night.

Friday came and I went to lunch with a few friends from work anticipating my date later that night.  Hindsight is always 20/20 as I reflect back on that fateful night and the food choices I had made at lunchtime.  We had gone to a Chinese restaurant and unfortunately for me, I ate one too many egg rolls.  Not thinking ahead about what Chinese does to my insides and the farts that the cabbage in egg rolls causes, I stuffed my face.

That night I suited up and was off to my date.  On the way to the restaurant I began to suffer severe gas pains and stunk up my car with the rancid and violent farts I was letting.  I knew I should have sat on the toilet before leaving my house, but I was running a little late.

We met, had drinks and the conversation was going great when all of the sudden I had to fart.  "Oh Jesus, not now" echoed in my head.  In hopes of her not hearing the fart I squeezed my butt cheeks  together as tight as I could and let it fly. I pushed out for nearly 5 seconds before I realized that..... IT WASN'T AIR.  Having just filled my boxers with excrement, I excused myself and made a bee-line for the restroom.  Crap oozed down my legs on the way to the bathroom and I wanted to cry.  I threw my boxers in the trashcan, cleaned off my suit pants the best I could(luckily my suit was black), and devised a story.

I returned to the table and told her my mother had called while I was in the restroom and informed me that my sister had been in a car accident.  I told her I had to go, threw down a fifty, and headed for home.  I called the next day and apologized and she seemed to understand.  We dated for a about month before I finally told her what had happened on that horrible first date.  I don't think I'll ever be able to make her laugh that loud again!!!!  We continued to date and eventually got married and are expecting our first child next month.  Lesson learned---Pooping your pants doesn't always end badly.
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Best Kept Secret.....

This is hands down, the most embarrassing thing I have ever endured, and not one single person knows about it.

I was in one of my first classes in middle school suffering with a stomach ache from hell...so bad that on my way out, I crapped myself and a shit log rolled down my pant leg and onto the classroom floor - shockingly no one appeared to notice. It all happened so quickly, I almost didn't even realized what had happened myself. I panicked and rushed to the restroom to clean myself up, leaving the turd on the floor.

What happened next, I only know from rumor. This incident occurred when I was in 7th grade. I am now a college senior and people STILL talk to me about it, oblivious to the fact that I was the culprit. Apparently, my teacher walked into the classroom during the next class, thought it was an enormous tootsie roll, kicked it, and upon seeing it smush, ran out of the classroom to barf.

My boyfriend just told me the story and after I finished faking the "Oh that's gross! Who would do that?" He said "Haha, you're just jealous you didn't do it!"

If only he knew.....
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This is what happens in rental cars.....

So I was on my way out of town for a meeting. I had to be there at 8:00 am and it was three hours away. Driving in a new rental car (my truck was in the shop) I set out. As I left I felt that familiar twinge in my stomach. I knew a shit was a brewing, but I figured I had time to make it to at least the next city (1 hour away). About twenty minutes in, I realized waiting was a bad idea. I was sweating and having severe shit related pains. I figured I was about twenty five more minutes from the closest bathroom (a Safeway store at the entrance to town). I told my stomach to hold out that long and I promised no Mexican food for a month.


Well the shit gods were not on my side this day. I hit construction and the road was closed with workers and bulldozers everywhere. I figured that if I didn't drive through the barriers and around the workers I was in serious trouble. I said fuck it. Through the barriers I went and past the workers who were yelling and chasing me. I yelled "I really have to shit though". I hope they understood.


So now I'm squeezing my butt cheeks together and doing lamas breathing. I pulled right up to the entrance of the store and jumped out and started speed walking to the door. A worker who was walking out said to me, "we are closed till 8." It is 5. I stopped about two feet from him and let loose. It was a wet, runny shit that exploded through my shorts, down my legs, and into my shoes (is anyone else turned on?). I was shitting like I was alone; noises, grunts, and everything. So there I stood, face to face with this Safeway employee shitting myself and he had the nerve to say, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "Clearly I could not hold it any longer asshole" I said back. He tells me, like someone who has never shit himself in front of someone before, "You need to clean this up." I told him to fuck off and got back into my little rental car.


Not having a change of clothes, I knew I wasn't making my appointment. I turned for home, just me and my shit soaked clothes. After the longest drive of my life I got home, walked in the house, and got right in the shower, shit filled shoes and all. I got out and went to sleep, not wanting to deal with the shit soaked car. When I woke up I went out to look at how bad it was and saw my girlfriends mom looking over the car (she lived next door). I walked up and told her that I must have the flu or food poisoning. She said to not worry about it and to go back to sleep. Like a real dick I did. She cleaned the car the best she could.


The next day I took the still stinking of shit car back to the rental place. I left it at the drop off spot and got out of there. I can only imagine what the poor Hertz employee smelled when he got in that car. I mean there was shit on the fucking dash. I don't know how that happened
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"The Crapinator"

I was at school eating lunch with my friends, when all the sudden it hit me. "I gotta go to the bathroom..." I told my friends. I got up from the table and of course one of our annoying school staff that walk around the lunch room just HAD to stop me. "Where do you think your going?" The staff lady asked me. At this point I really had to go, BAD! So of course I snapped back at her. "I NEED to go to the bathroom!" I practically snarled at her. She wasn't very happy about my snarling and told me to sit back down, and that I could wait for lunch to be over to go to the bathroom. I rolled my eyes and sat back down, my friends felt bad for me. After waiting for what seemed like hours the bell rang and everyone rushed to the exits to their next class. I tried to be one of the first kids out of the lunch room but it failed, I ended up being the last out. I could start to feel farts slip out from me and was so glad no one was around me at the time. I was just about to run out the door to leave and find a bathroom but the same staff lady just HAD to stop me again! "I didn't appreciate the way you talked to me earlier young man." She told me. I was getting very angry at this point and NEEDED to get to a toilet. "I am very sorry but I really NEED to go find a restroom..." I growled while doing a little dance showing I needed to go badly. She didn't seem to care and sent me to the principal's office for snapping at her. To me being sent to the front office sounded like heaven at the moment. "Yes! I can use the front office's bathroom!" I thought to myself. I ran to the front office after saying sorry to the staff lady nice enough to where she would let me leave. I slammed myself onto the front office door and pushed it open, usually the person running the front desk asks a student why they are there but luckily for me no one was there. I ran past the front desk and to the nearest bathroom I could think of, which was the one in the nurse's office. I turned the corner of the hall, almost slipping on the nasty brown liquid that was running down my legs and making a puddle on the floor. When I got to the nurse's office just my luck to see that the door was shut and the nurse was eating lunch in another room! "Dang it!" I growled. I figured she wouldn't mind if I went into her office and used the toilet while she was gone, so while panicking I tried to turn the doorknob but it wouldn't turn. I was so angry at the moment I started to bang on the door, the nurse heard this and she came out from the room she was eating in and just stood there mad, watching me go crazy. "What are you doing?!" She shouted at me. I turned around and stared at her, then it happened. My shorts blew up like a balloon and crap exploded EVERYWHERE! My pants changed from a light gray color to a dark brown, chunks and bits of crap flowed out of the bottom of my shorts and also leaked down my legs. It was like a waterfall of crap! The nurse had a disgusted look on her face, her face looked like she was in terror. After a moment I felt like it was all out but I was SO wrong! More and more exploded out of me and I was standing in a HUGE puddle of crap! Mushy pieces of crap slithered down my leg and made a nasty sound when it hit the ground. Teachers and staff were coming to see what was happening and everyone in the office was staring at me, including some kids who had already been inside the office before me. The smell was horrible and some people showed me by almost throwing up and having to leave the room. Once I was FINALLY out of diarrhea I just stood there shaking like a little chihuahua. The nurse gave me a new pair of pants to wear and she called my mom while I watched three custodians come with masks on and clean up my mess. My mom came and got me and also took the bag that had my crap pants in it and took me home, she was mad that no one had let me go to the bathroom when I needed to so she called the school later and complained. When I got home rushed into my room, took off all my clothes and took a shower, it felt so good to be home. My underwear and pants were so badly stained we had to throw them away. Since it was Friday I had the whole weekend to forget about what had happened, but it just got worse when I returned to school on Monday. The kids who were in the office while I was there had spent their weekend telling everyone they know about what had happened to me. Some kids didn't believe them but most of them did. I was called "The Crapinator" the whole rest of the school year...
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