A Quality Fart Story

This isn't really a shit story, only a fart story. We used to play pick-up basketball in a gym on Tuesday evenings. It was one of those elementary school gyms, very small, and not well ventilated, but it was in the fall, so it really didn't matter, or so I thought. During the first game, I had to let one out real bad. We had the ball, and were in the half-court offense. I just kept running around in a circle while I let this thing seep out, figuring it would dissipate, and worst-case scenario nobody would figure out who did it. Well, at least I was right on that point. I circled the other players a couple of times, and assumed that I had gotten away with it. Within a few seconds, a ghastly odor that had permeated the entire gym. It was one of the meanest farts I had ever excreted, even by my own standards. Lots of volume, and it smelled just like sewer gas. All at once, the other players started noticing it. I had filled the entire gym with my methane-laden flatulence. If someone had lit a match, I think the whole gym would have exploded. I mean, guys were literally running for the exits. They were holding their mouths, choking, eyes watering, coughing, you name it. Thinking fast, I too pretended to be offended, and went running out of the gym with them. Everyone jumped in their cars and got out of there as fast as they could. I was mortified, of course, but it was kind of funny, we usually play for two hours, and we didn't even finish the first game.

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I just shit and I can prove it!

I drive propane truck, and one day I had to take a dump real bad. I had to fill this one particular tank, and figured that I would do my business while the tank was filling, since there was a perfect spot nearby, just behind a fence. By the time I had arrived at said stop, I literally could not wait any longer. The customer's driveway was full of cars, and there was no choice but to park on the road. It was a little lane about maybe ten feet wide, and there was no way a car could get by, once I had parked. Unfortunately for me, a car pulled up right behind me once I got out of the truck. Of course, the polite thing to do would be to get back in the truck, pull up, and let the vehicle pass, but there was no time for that. I mean, I was in full "red alert" stage by then. It was literally halfway out by then, and to do that would certainly mean I'd be delivering gas with a full load in my pants. I mean, I would literally have had to drive back to my house with a full load in my pants, change, shower, and get back on the road, all of which would have probably taken two hours or more. Anyway, when I unscrewed my delivery hose, and made a run for the tank, the occupant of the vehicle got out and started screaming at me, saying how rude I was, threatening to call my company, etc. I ducked behind the fence and did my business, and even that wasn't pretty. I was a little disoriented, I mean this was a hangover shit, and wound up with it on my shoes, hands, etc, but at least it was infinitely better than carrying it around in my pants. After about 5-10 minutes, I emerged to the woman ranting about what an ass I was, and that she would surely call my company. Finally, when I got close enough, I threw my shitty hands in the air and exclaimed, "Lady, I had to shit, and it couldn't wait, and I even brought some back for you as proof", showing her my feces covered hands. "So call whoever you want, I don't give a shit", I exclaimed. Embarassed, she got back in her vehicle, and I never heard another word about it.

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Thong in the Bushes: A girl shit story

IT WAS A LOVELY MORNING AND I WAS ON MY WAY TO MY DADS HOUSE WITH A FRIEND AFTER A NIGHT OF BEER DRINKING. I STARTED TO FEEL MY GUT WRENCH JUST A LITTLE AND THOUGH ITS OK WE WILL BE THERE IN JUST A MINUTE. WE TURNED THE CORNER TO GO UP THE STREET AND THERE WAS A LINE OF TRAFFIC, WITH WHAT LOOKED TO ME LIKE NO END. SO I DECIED TO TURN DOWN A SIDE ROAD AND TRY TO GET THERE FASTER ... THIS WHOLE TIME I AM SWEATING UP A STORM TRYING NOT TO SHIT MY SELF. SO I DECIDE THERE IS NO MORE TIME I HAVE TO GO NOW OR I WILL BURST. SO I TELL MY GIRLFRIEND I HAVE TO GO NOW!!!!! SO I PULL IN TO AN APARTMENT COMPLEX AND HURRY AND JUMP OUT OF THE CAR RUN BEHIND A GARAGE AND AS I AM TRYING TO GET MY PANTS DOWN IT STARTS .. SO I HAVE SHIT NOW ALL OVER MY LEGS AND UNDERWEAR SO I TAKE MY THONG OFF AND FLING IT IN THE BUSHES I GRABBED A ENVELOPE OUT OF MY CAR AND TRYED AS BEST I COULD TO CLEAN UP. AS I AM GETING READY TO BOLT BACK TO MY CAR I LOOK AROUND AND NOTICE THAT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CHAIN LINK FENCE IS A GOLF COURSE AND THIS WHOLE TIME MEN IN GOLF CARTS HAVE BEEN DRIVING BY WATCHING MY ORDEAL. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO ASHAMED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

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A Shitty Love Story

I had the stomach flu this last year. Not the ferocious on-your-deathbed kind, but the one that gives it to you out both ends for the first 24 hours. I was living with my boyfriend of 3 years at the time and he was convinced after the explosions subsided that all I had been afflicted with was simple food poisoning. He leaned in to kiss me and I stopped him, warning him that he could catch what I had. He kissed me anyway. So fast forward a day, I was right, et cetera, he's got the flu now but doesn't know it. He mentions that evening that he isn't feeling too well, but proceeds to make himself [of all things] a tuna sandwich. I, again, impart my wisdom and warn him to think twice about what goes into his mouth because it might be coming right back out. He eats the sandwich anyway. Ten minutes later he has the first symptoms-- the horrendously high psi liquid shits. Our apartment plumbing was iffy, at best, with handling large loads. Needless to say he filled the bowl with the putrid liquified contents of his intestines, and then tried to flush. Rapture. A poop puddle for a bathroom. I knew he would soon be vomiting. So out of the pure goodness of my heart, and maybe a little bit of a maternal instinct, I began to clean up the foul mess with a sacrificed mop and bleach water. Too little, too late-- next thing I know he's depositing the tuna sandwich in a fine spray to the confines of the bathroom sink. I'm a tad disgusted at this point, wading in his shit and all, listening to him puke, thinking he should have listened to me in the first place and not infected himself. Mop in hand, I thrust my head out the doorway to accost him, bent over the sink. "You better marry me for this!" He replied, "I was going to marry you for you anyway." I was about to be engulfed in the warm fuzzies of love, but he began barfing again.

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Another Home Depot Poop Story

Some time ago my new wife and I were at Home Depot...in the lumber section, actually. I was recently out of college and hadn't aclimated to wearing underwear everyday, yet. This particular day I was wearing a pair of loose fitting gym shorts and no underwear. I hadn't been feeling great either...a little upset stomach, etc. Anyway, we're in the lumber section and I feel a fart brewing...no biggie, right? As I let it rip the fart was actually a shart and fell perfectly b/w by ass/leg and shorts! A doloop of poo splatted on the floor...all within the view of my then new wife. Needless to say her jaw dropped and we both started laughing our assess off. We have never been back to that Home Depot, in fact we completely moved out of the area! I can only imagine the poor bastard that was called to clean up that crap....still brings a smile to my face today.

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I Made Someone Else Crap Their Pants

At work, potty humor is the norm. A friend of mine was mildly backed up for a few days and I happened to have some notorious Smooth Move laxative tea. I made him a cup at night and told him it would take a few hours to kick in. The next morning, he said he didn't feel anything except maybe a little urge to crap. After he got back from the bathroom, he said that wasn't violent or anything like he was expecting. I didn't bother to tell him that that was only the initial delivery and more was to come. Now for a little background on this individual, when he farts, he REALLY bears down and pushes them out. So, after breakfast, it's time for me to go home. As I'm driving home, I get beeped on my phone and it's one of our other co-workers. I answer and the first thing he says is,"Hey, guess what Sam did." Appearantly at the time I was getting called, Sam was washing clothes because he forced out a barrage of liquid poo into his shorts thinking it was fart.

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Sub-terrain Shit Field

Working for a painting contractor several years ago, the boss left two of us to work in a newly-constructed house all day, every day, for about 2 weeks, while he did a job a few miles away. We had no vehicle, and the nearest store was about 2 miles down the road. There was a portable toilet on the site for a couple days, but it was removed, and there was no where to go- and the house was in the middle of a new development, with several new, occupied homes. So, we decided to use the crawl space under the house as a toilet, staring at the farthest point, and working our way back toward the crawl space opening. I went back by myself on a Saturday, to finish paining 4 sets of double French doors which led into a central hot tub room, which had an open cut-out in the floor for the yet-uninstalled hot tub. I heard some commotion in the crawl space, and realized that the heating and air crew was there to install the new system! As one of the guys was looking around with a light to get started with the work, he suddenly exclaimed, "Somebody shit! I mean, it's all over!" It was all I could do to keep from falling off my ladder as I heard them all start swearing! I quickly picked up my equipment and left, telling the boss later that I had felt sick, and would finish the job on Monday. I'm not sure what the heating and air crew would have done if they had suspected that I had contributed to the horrible subterranean mine field!

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Shitty Chainsaw Massacre

My boyfriend and I planned to take a drive down to spend the day at a state park. Naturally, for breakfast, we had an excuse to eat the yummy and unhealthy fast food breakfast sandwiches while on the road. We had planned to take the interstate down to the park and take state routes, aka the scenic drive, back home. The drive down was uneventful. However, after five minutes at the park my honey desperately demanded we find the nearest bathroom. We lept in the car and drove to a larger hub parking lot that had an state park outhouse in it. I stayed in the car and listened to the radio while he ran from the car to take care of business. It was a particularly cold time of year, and after ten minutes I felt kind of sorry for him having to sit there with the hershey squirts, the cold wind whipping across his ass and all. When he came back he looked relieved and mentioned how it must have been the fast food breakfast. I was feeling fine, though, and suggested we head for home, taking the state routes as planned. Half an hour later, long enough to take us to barren country, I suddenly understood his urgency for myself. Being a nitpicky girl, there was no way I was going to pop a squat in the brush on the side of the road. I tried desperately to ignore it. But it soon became so bad that I pleaded that we stop at the next building we drove by, be it trailor home or, please God, a gas station. My prayers were soon answered as we came screaming into the gravel parking lot of a small, old, brick building. We were back in the boonies-- but there were several trucks parked outside, so I knew there had to be a toilet somewhere. As I was ass-clench-hobble-running into the building, a few visual clues tipped me off to how awkward the subsequent shit would be. Confederate flags, spent spit chaw, general disrepair. I could hear NASCAR on the television inside. It was dark in there. Dank. Uninviting. But the worst of all was the chipping paint sign of the establishment. It read: "CHAINSAW REPAIR SHOP" I had busted in on a bunch of toothless old hicks. I yelped, "Please let me use your bathroom!" The oldest, most mongoloid fellow looked up with his yellowed gelatin eyes and simply pointed a gnarled finger to a door in the back. Shit a la Texas Chainsaw Massacre, anyone?

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Brown Paper Towels and the Smeared Poop

My uncle use to own a bike shop and there was a young kid that use to come in often to just hang out and talk about bikes. One day he ran into the store at full sprint, pushed passed a customer and went right to the bathroom. I was waiting patiently for him to come out so I could yell at him but he was taking a long time so I went on to other things allowing him to slip out when I was looking. Later that day a lady went into the bathroom and came running out. She went outside and began to vomit all over the sidewalk. My uncle went out to check on her and she said to go look at the bathroom. When he went in there he found shit smeared all over the toilet, sink, and even the walls. Apparently the kid had explosive diarehea and shit all over the bathroom then tried to clean it up with those brown paper towels that don't absorb water. In trying to clean it up he made it way worse. My uncle actually had to shut the store down for a day to get the bathroom professionally cleaned. After that I think the kid found a new bike store to hang out in.

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Find the turd: Lost log in Furniture Store

I was furniture shopping with my wife and son. My son (13) needed to find a restroom and quick. He suddenly got a little upset and looked like he was going to cry. He told me he accidently "pooped." We found the bathroom and he dropped his boxers to clean up. There was a poo trail down his leg and on the back of his sock but . . . no turd. He got cleaned up and we spent 15 minutes looking for the log he left somewhere in the furniture store. We never found it. We still laugh imaging what piece of furniture it rolled under, how big it was, and the look on someone's face when they found it.

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Shitty Day at BJ's - Diarhea Leg

One day I was shopping at BJ'S and I had to go to the bathroom real bad but the bathroom was way on the other side of the giant store, so I decided that I would just ignore it. So I was perusing some items in the store and realized I had to fart so naturally I tried to slip one out. I failed. As soon as I "slipped" it out I knew I was doomed. I looked done to see what the hot liquid was dribbling down my leg and sure enough it was shit. I stood there in shock for a few seconds but that was quickly relieved when a lady walks up and says "what is dribbling down your leg"? In an act of shame and humiliation I sprinted to the bathroom where I had to wait for 20 minutes or so while my daughter went home and get me clean underwear.

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A Poop Story at Sea: Clogging a Toilet on a Ferry

I was riding an overnight ferry in Greece a couple summers ago with a large group, mostly made up of flaky girls. Since we were stuck on the ferry till morning with nothing to do most of the group decided to get tomorrow's showering out of the way tonight. A particular clique of the dumb girl posse convinced the tour guide to allow them to use her room to shower as it was one of few with a functioning shower. Apparently, the girls had decided they were only going to shit once on the trip because all of them went into the tour guide's bathroom and laid monstrous loads. The only problem with that was that they had not realized that you can NOT flush toilet paper in the toilets on these ferrys. So, instead of getting help after the first girl could not flush they all just kept going on top of the others till the bowl was filled with logs and TP. Once they had all finished they decided it was time to retry flushing. Of course that only made matters worse and instead of the problem being solely in the pot it was now on the floor. As you would expect flakes to act the four girls just left the disaster and ran to their rooms. I heard the commotion and walked down about the same time as the group leader returned to see and hear her terrified reaction. The poor lady had to go get a shipmate who used buckets of hot water to melt the horrible mess and allow it to be flushed. I wonder if the shipmate though the tour guide took the biggest dump in the history and broke their toilet?

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Birthday Poop Story - Lucky she was wearing a skirt

It was my birthday, and the boy I'd been seeing had been talking for days about the reservations he'd made at a very nice, very expensive (by my standards) restaurant. After a nice and uneventful dinner, we got in the car to head back to my apartment. Minutes after sitting down, I knew I desperately needed a bathroom - preferably not mine, but what choice did I have at that point? Luckily, I'd made a huge deal out of how high my heels were (a good reason to cling to him while walking around the city), so he didn't mind dropping me off at my place so I could "pee" and then going to find parking on his own. I made it all the way into my bathroom before it happened, and luckily I was wearing a skirt, but ... I missed. The underwear was destroyed, as was the new white bathmat, and I just sat there in shock for minutes. He was just going to park, and then he'd be here, and what could possibly be less attractive than my current state? I mean, girlfriends don't do that. We just don't. It evaporates. After calling my sister for moral support, I got in the shower, fantastic-ed the entire bathroom, lit a candle, and changed into lingerie. He finally arrived (grumbling about how hard it had been to find parking), kissed me, and of course, headed to the bathroom. I don't think he suspected anything.

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Poor Builders - Shitting in a half constructed house

I was on the 4th hole of a beautiful golf course. I had to walk out to the other side of the fairway because it had been raining and it was cart path rule only. As I began to walk back to the cart after hitting my shot, I felt the rumbling of my stomach. I immediately knew it wouldn't be long before I had an eruption. "What am I going to do?" I asked my brother. There were houses around the hole and but unfortunately no woods. I had to find some where to go ASAP. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that there was a house by the green that was about half constructed. My brother suggested that I run over to the partially built house, take a dump, and wipe my ass with my golf towel. Since my options were incredibly limited I asked my brother to drive up to the green. As we arrived to the green I felt it coming out. Realizing that I had no choice now I ran to the house, up the ramp to the door, and shit on the floor of the future kitchen. I wiped my ass with my golf towel and left it there. Thank God it was the 4th of July and the builders were not there. Boy, are they in for a rude awakening when they show up for work the next day. The funniest part is that whoever buys the house will have no idea that some one once shit in their kitchen.

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Home Depot Shit Story

On a recent trip to Home Depot I felt the urge to squeeze out a fart. I should have been fore warned by the rumblings and pains that had been coming and going most of the day. But, I pushed one out anyway and promptly shit in my pants. As I waddled to the bathroom... ...to clean myself up I felt my ass cheeks slide together and knew I had just created a wet spot on my pants. I used my underwear to clean up the mess and stuffed them into an ass gasket holder. I sprinted out of the store without making my purchase and I am certain that every person I passed in the store was staring at the wet spot on the back of my pants. I am a sick bastard!!!

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Clenched Cheeks: A Bike Racing Shitty Story

I was at my friend's birthday party and we were playing football. In the course of the game I went to tackle someone and felt a strong pain brewing in my gut. I farted a few times and the pain seemed to subdue......temporarily. A few minutes later I realized that I was doomed. I was going to have poop and do it soon. I made up a story about having to go home and pick up a movie. I jumped on my bike and peddled as hard as I could but anyone who's been in this situation before knows it is nearly impossible to peddle a bike and squeeze your ass cheeks. Amazingly, I made it to within blocks of my house and unfortunately ran into a girl that I had a crush on. In a moment of happiness and stupidity I unclenched my cheeks and in doing so allowed some hot feces to force it's way out. I looked at the girl and of course she was laughing directly in my face. I was so embarrassed. I jumped back on my bike and peddled my ass home as fast as humanly possible, took a shower, and needless to say I did not return to the party.

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The Shit Storm

One particular weekend during college I elected to go to a neighboring school despite the fact I was feeling a bit under the weather and had a severe hangover. I sucked down some Dayquil and later some Nightquil and felt fine on the ride assuming the worst was behind me. Upon arriving I told a friend I would run to the bookstore with her to pick up a text book she needed for a class. While waiting in line I remembered why I did not want to make the trip. My stomach started to rumble like it had hours before. I decided the best way to alleviate the stomach pain was to slip out a quiet and hopefully odorless fart. To my dismay the tactic, although quiet, was not odorless and, even worse, not a fart. It was shit. The worst part was that I shit my cloud pants and when I asked my friend if you could see it she asked if I was wearing rain cloud pants when we left. With nothing to cover my shit storm pants I ran outside and waited against a wall till it was time to RUN back to her house where I dumped my underwear in the tampon disposal box and went to bed.

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Taking a dump in a crowd

I took a couple of clients to a professional hockey game on a Friday night. After a few beers I started to have stomach problems. Knowing how filthy the bathrooms were in this older arena I stopped drinking hoping that the problem would subside. After a while it became clear I would need to find a toilet. I looked around the suites hoping I could sneak in and take a dump but the security proved to be excellent. After pumping myself up I got in line for the bathroom. The line moved unbearably slow, although the bathroom had 12 foot long troughs, so I decided to plead my case to the guys in line. I finally weasled my way to the front of the line and waited for a sh*tter to open up. When I got in and started sh*tting I could hear people outside the stall making comments like "that dudes taking a sh*t!" and "wow, I would never sh*t here". I tried to ignore the chatter but everyone in the bathroom wanted to either converse with me or cheer me on. It took me a while to answer all the questions and disperse my cheering section but I finally returned to my seat. I could not enjoy the game because I was terrified that the drunk would walk by and say "there's the dude that was sh*tting !" in front of my client.

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