Never use a parents bathroom and other poop lessons

I'm in my room with my friend Rashelle when she gets up to go
to the bathroom. I wasn't exactly sure why she left my room to use my parents bathroom, but she did. I'm in my room waiting and I hear the toilet
flush. Then I hear it flush again. THEN AGAIN. Then no noise at all for
a couple of minutes. The silence is finally broken by the sink then Rashelle running to the hallway bathroom carrying a bag. "HEY!" I call
to her and as she passes she gurgles and screams at me (shes an odd ball) then slams the hall bathroom door in my face. As the door was slamming I caught a glimpse of something brown in the bag.

I made the quick assumption that it was poop. After processing the horrifying sight I had just seen my concentration was broken by PLOP-PLOP then the running sink. Having already visualized the horrid event in my mind I didn't even ask her as she moved to my brother's room and began rolling around on his medecine ball. As I moved in to begin my interrogation she blurts our "hey theres crap on my baracelet!!!" - confirming any questions I was about to ask.

Here is her version of what went down.

She went to the bathroom and the toilet in my parents room did not
flush. So searched out a plastic baggy, turned it inside out, and picked
it up LIKE DOG POOP. When she told me this story i cracked up. She had
actually picked up human poop with her own hand, in a bag, and transported it to different bathroom. To top things off she she dropped the poop into my toilet, and flushed it. Then she shoved the bag into my trash can.....the wet, poopy, smelly, putrid bag. Her best attempt at covering up the mess was to unravel an entire roll of TP on top of the mess.

If there are lessons to be learned here I think these are it:
a. NEVER use a parents bathroom
b. Transporting poop is not ok.
c. Toilet Paper is not a good tool for hiding feces.
Continue

Read More...

Farting Experiment in Library

Turns out people are offended. Go figure.






Continue

Read More...

Pooper in the Headlights

I must have been 14 or 15. I met up with a bunch of my friends at one of our friend’s parent’s houses. We left telling his folks that we were gonna go see a movie or something. As soon as we left I felt it. Oh man did I have to go. I begged my friend to take back to his parent’s house and he said that wasn't an option due to the lie he had just spun. I couldn't wait. "DUDE! just pull over then!" I yelled. So it was a heavy winter in Michigan and I was in some random front yard with my drawers around my ankles popping a squat. I started to make some snowballs to wipe with and all the sudden my friend drives off. I’m thinking: real funny guys. All was going well considering, then out of nowhere I’m blinded.

There is a car with it's brights on me honking. I turn around and all the lights inside the house I’m pooping in front of started coming on. The home owner comes to the front door and I’m in his front yard wiping my ass with snowballs. The owner started yelling and I started running only to realize that the car that brought all that attention to me was full of my friends laughing their asses off.
Continue

Read More...

New Product - Fart Deodorizer

I think he might be serious.
Continue

Read More...

Burning Hot Poop Incident

As you may already know, I have a severe addiction to diet coke. On Sunday,
I came to realize we had run out of it only after I had returned from
Georgios with a delicious piece of tomato and pesto pizza. I ate the pizza
accompanied by a glass of water but found this unsatisfying, so after I was finished I decided it was a very crucial matter for me to acquire a can of
dc so I began the trek to 7-11. In my haste for that nutra-sweet, I forgot
to consider that I had been unable to eat any amount of food for the past 2
weeks without a dash to the bathroom immediately after its consumption. As I
walked to the store, my stomach began to rumble, but I thought its only 2
blocks... ill make it. By the time I reached the stores parking lot, the
cramping had set in. I knew it was a matter of urgency but my need for diet
coke prevented me from turning around and making the mad dash home. I walked
in 3 people in line... no big deal.. I’ll be in and out. I thought of
grabbing a little snack while I was there for later but after I close the
cooler door I knew there was no time.... I reached the counter... and was
confronted with the biggest loser hippy employee 7-11 has ever seen. He
tormented each customer as they came... and had no sense of urgency in his
dealings. I waited what felt like 4 minutes... pondering where the nearest
toilet would be... I knew there was not one in 7-11... I eyed the parking
structure across the street... could I really take the chance?

Your Ad Here

Finally it
was my turn, I threw the money at the cashier and made a split decision...my
only chance was to make it home. I walked/ran home at an unprecedented
speed. Ran in the back door... only to hear the voice of a male on the
porch... could I really risk a boy coming upstairs after I had alleviated
myself.. the answer was yes... I ran up the stairs only to hear another male
friend's voice in my roommate’s bedroom just inches from the bathroom...
knowing this boy the way I do.. I knew it would not be safe to shit in his
vi9cinity, surely a comment would be made if he discovered what I had just
done..... so I ran in the bathroom, grabbed a roll of toilet paper (thank
god I had the foresight) and headed the bathroom downstairs... no one ever
goes down there.. I would be safe. I flipped the switch to the bathroom...
it began to flicker.. and as I rushed in, it turned out. I could not shit in
the pitch black.. that I felt was just asking for trouble... but what could
I do?... I couldn’t go back upstairs... I would need a new light bulb... and
I rushed around the basement looking for light that had easy access....
as there was only 2 to choose from I chose the one without a fixture over
it. I couldn’t turn the light out before I ripped it out of its socket because the
light switch was upstairs and there was certainly no time to rush back to
the top of the stairs.. so I grabbed a stray shirt from the dryer to use to
shield my hand from the burns that would surely be delivered if I touched it
with my bare hand. I unscrewed it and in my frantic state shifted it from the
the hand with the t-shirt to the other scolding my fingers... but there was
no time for burn treatment so I ran into the dark bathroom... and was
confronted with a light fixture hanging by several oddly placed screws... I
ripped the screws out, I don’t even think I turned them and screwed the new
light bulb on with the speed of an electrician. Then I sat on the toilet,
relieved myself.. While at the same time nursing my burnt hand......

Continue

Read More...