Subway and the Colostomy Bag

I had recently had an emergency colostomy, where you crap in a bag hanging off your belly. my niece was good enough to help me care for this new process since i only had use of one hand from a disabling stroke. as the story goes my niece and i decided to meet with a group of my friends at the local subway. we were sitting eating our sandwiches when i noticed a putrid odor surrounding the table and then felt something bubbling and wet on my side. eventually I excused myself and asked my niece to join me in the bathroom where we discovered the unthinkable - the bag had come loose and there was shit all over. by all over i mean it filled my undies and ran down my leg. but, thankfully we had an emergency kit with us. i suggested we cut the sides of the underwear and pull them out rather than try to remove them. bad idea. as we removed the underwear shit flew all over the stall walls, the door and the bathroom floor. my niece was laughing hysterically because not only where my undies full of shit they were also leopard print. after fixing me and my bag up we disposed of the sexy drawers in the trash and began cleaning the bathroom. my niece got the floor duty and was on her hands and knees cleaning up all ready gross floor with toilet paper and water. bless her heart. after mostly smearing the floor shit around we decided it was time to recompose ourselves and go back out to our friends but, much to my chagrin, that nasty smell now permiated the entire restaurant. all of us decided it was time to go - asap! i sat in the car mortified for a few minutes, but eventually we all laughed about how nasty it was and we all held vigil to see if we could detect another problem with my bag.


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College Poop Story

A girl I knew in college and her friends toilet papered our room when we were gone, becuase we were trusting (perhaps slightly naive) individuals and left our door unlocked. When we got back and started cleaning up the toilet paper, I decied that I should return it to them ... with the only logical "present" that I could think of ... the very thing that toilet paper is used for ... a big pile of shit. I brewed a pot of coffee, ate a few Taco Bell bean burritos, brought the toilet paper in the bathroom, layed it on the floor, hovered over it, and dropped the smelliest shit I've ever been around. It was my own poop, but I thought I was going to vomit. We put the "present" and toilet paper in a brown paper bag to return it to the ladies, and brought the bag into their apartment. We told them that we forgave them for toilet papering our room, but wanted to bring the TP back to them, due to the rising cost of TP (inflation) and that we thought they would simply want it back. It took about 1.5 seconds for them to figure out what was going on (possibly the rancid smell that was wilting the flowers in their apartment or the fact that TP does not weigh 6 lbs), and we bolted as fast as we could. Surprisingly, she and her acomplises, didn't think it was nearly as funny as we did.

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Indian Food Blow Out

Had I known the Spicy Beef Curry would have caused it I never would have ordered it. It began two days on Tuesday evening when Kim and I went out for a bite to eat at our favorite Indian restaurant in the city. I was extremely hungry and ate heartily after the long day at work. Each of us ordered a curry dish. As it turned out, my dish was a doozy. After pleasant conversation and a couple bottles of wine we wrapped it up and headed home. The first onset of rumblings began about two blocks from the restaurant. The sudden activity in my stomach got my attention, though the activity subsided as we continued the walk home. The second phase began as I was brushing my teeth and felt an extreme discomfort as a gas bubble formed somewhere in the depths of my bowels. At that point I knew I was in for a rough one. Being as exhausted as I was, I fell asleep for a couple of hours. I then awoke in a helpless panic as I felt my bowels beginning to regurgitate the curry I consumed earlier. As I was climbing over Kim in my feeble attempt to make it to the restroom, my ass exploded and showered our bedroom wall. I had not put my boxers back on after our love making so there was no barrier between my ass cannon and Kim and the wall. Kim awoke in a panic (not to mention covered in shit) and yelled as the stench overcame her and she realized what had happened. We are still considering hiring a professional cleaning service to do the job, but we are embarrassed to have anyone see it.

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You Gotta Poo - When you Gotta Poo

In Amsterdam one morning after a night of drinking Jameson’s and this piss beer called Columbus- I think it was like 9% alcohol- I woke up in this little boat on one of the canals with the most terrifying urge to defecate. It was like God reached down and grabbed me near the base of my spine with his mighty hand and was slowly squeezing until I leaked shit. Before I ruined my only pair of pants in a foreign country I searched like hell for a toilette. All I found was a playground full of children with no good bushes for cover. I feared being chased by an angry mob of Dutch mothers so I tried to make it to my friend’s squat several blocks away. I made it half a block along the first main street, when there was God’s firm grip on my bowels again, this time unrelenting. I felt as if I were a tube of toothpaste being squeezed by an overzealous dental hygienist. Leaning against a brick building the poo ran out of me and formed a hot mud mask around my butt cheeks. I remember grabbing my pant legs around the back of the knees in an attempt to maintain the leakage. Like a dejected animal I walked -somewhat ridiculously-hunched over with my hands gripped around my knees for six blocks.




When i got to the squat I yelled up to my friend Burgers' window for him to let me in, they had running water and a shower... posh I know. Burger came to the window up on the 4th floor and yelled down that they were all still sleeping and to come back later, he started to disappear back away from the window.
"WAIT!" I yelled "it’s a goddamn emergency!!"
He came back to the window annoyed and yelled back
"WHATTHAFUK?"
Seeing no use with discretion i let him know
"I shat myself okay? I need to use the shower for christsake!!!"
a moment later it had registered with him and everyone else up there for that matter, because i heard a raspy if not thunderous amount of laughter come from the window.
Finally he threw down the keys and i was making my way up the four flights of stairs, hunched over with feces beginning to make its way into my boots.
Once inside burger opened the door holding his nose like a little kid about to jump off the high dive at the local public swimming pool, I saw half a dozen heads peak out of sleeping bags then disappear back inside to snigger at me.
After being shown down a dark hallway with no lights to the bathroom that also had no electricity, I took the coldest shower I ever experienced-in total darkness.
I got in, turned the water on, then I took all my clothes off. I washed all the shit off my lower body then tried to clean my pants, forcing little turds through the tiny holes in the drain with my toes, until the poo was all disbursed. When my pants were nearly clean I put them on inside out and just stood under the icy water shivering in the shower for about 20 minutes while waiting for the smell to wash away.
It never quite did.
I dripped dry as best I could, turned my pants right side out then left the bathroom and left the squat.
Later that night I was mostly dried out. i ran into a few of the people from that squat that night on Dammraak- the main street near the train station and the red-light district. They were all quite jovial and happy to tease me about the morning. Someone handed me a warm Columbus and said "here you go paddy poopy pants" and everyone laughed their asses off at my expense.
The nickname hung around me about as long as the odor did.
I left Holland for Germany a week later and it was cool with me that the nickname didn’t follow.

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Home Depot Disaster - So close, yet so far

Man, this was without a doubt the most embarrassing moment of my life. What made it worse; I was shopping with my dad at the Home Depot when this happened. Last weekend my dad and I were out and about looking for lumber for our yard shed. While looking at several lumber selections and talking intently with the sales rep, I have to go use the men's room to have a BM. As I temporarily excuse myself from Dad and the sales rep, I can feel my bowels churning and getting ready to release a large load (mind you this has been building up for several days, but I never felt constipated). Wouldn't you know, I walk into the men's room and the only two stalls are being used! Man, what were to odds? So, I'm patiently waiting and waiting, as the churning in my bowels is getting more intense. This went on for almost ten minutes. Dad walks in and casually says he's going to pee, but he wanted to know what was taking me so long. I simply nodded that I needed to use a stall and he got the message. Dad could see they were in use. After Dad did his business and left the men's room, I walked out with him and I asked him if he knew of any other men's room at the Home Depot. He thought this was the only bathroom there. Then, not being able to hold my bowels any longer, I let out a rather loud fart, squatted and began to unload in my pants. Dad seems a little embarrassed by what I was doing - but he laughed out loud and said, "Push hard and go for it!" At least he wasn't pissed at me for taking a huge crap in my pants just outside the men's room. It did feel great to finally relieve myself but I was beat red from embarrassment. Dad said he could smell my poopy pants, as he started examining the seat of my pants by feeling and mashing the lump just like he did when I was a toddler in diapers and rubber pants. Dad commented about my poop feeling mushy and not solid and asked what I had for dinner the night before. I was so mortified I couldn't remember! I just wanted to leave and go home and have my poopy pants changed!

By now the smell was getting very intense and it was obvious that I had just pooped in my pants. As we were leaving the Home Depot, you could see peculiar looks on people's faces, as we walked out. On the drive home, I'm sitting in this huge, mashed load in my pants and I knew my underpants were ruined. We get home and Dad wanted to get me changed immediately. He took me upstairs into the bathroom, unsnapped my jeans and had me step out of them. Surprisingly, they weren't too messy. My briefs were very messy especially around my butt. You could see the mashed poop oozing through my briefs. Dad carefully pulled down my briefs, as I managed to step out of them carefully without getting poop anywhere. He rolled up my poopy briefs and put it in a plastic bag to be thrown out. He wiped most of the remaining poop off my butt with toilet paper and wipes. After he was done he gently slapped my butt and said, "Okay, kiddo! In the shower you go!" I took a nice, long hot shower and cleaned myself up. After I showered, I thanked Dad for being a good sport about this. Dad winked at me. Yeah, I'm lucky to have a very understanding dad. However, this is one event I hope I NEVER have to endure again!

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The Drug Test

I had just graduated college, so I began looking for a job in my career field. I have always smoked herb, so I was nervous about the drug test. Luckily, the local head shop had a "guaranteed" formula that could mask any chemicals that might still be in my system. The morning of the job fair, I drank two bottles of very foul tasting thick liquid. My stomach began to rumble, then bloat, as I was driving. It got so bad I had to loosen my belt and undo my pants. I knew I couldn't ignore the inevitable anymore. I stopped at the next fast food place. I had to walk in with my pants undone; fortunately my shirt was long enough to keep me covered. I took a cursory glance at the menu as I walked in and then made straight for the bathroom. I'm a germ freak, but I knew I didn't have time to put down the toilet paper barrier. So I dropped my pants, leaned over, and unleased an unholy carpet bomb of explosive diarrhea that blanketed the toilet, the handle, and portions of the wall and floor. To this day, I still feel guilty about the poor kid who had to clean up that putrid mess. Needless to say, the "guaranteed" cleaner only cleaned my colon and I failed the drug test.

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Shit pants in front of a cop

I am sitting in English class and I tell the teacher that I have to go the washroom. I make it to the washroom with no problem at all, just the normal cramping that happens when your bowels senses porceline. I open stall one and see the toilet is overflowed and shit everywhere so I go to stall two. Amazing enough stall two has shit everywhere from stall one's overflow. At this point have to make decision. Do I use the handicap bathroom or dart for home while I still can and then after catch a nap. I choose home. I live 25 minute bus-ride at best from school, but it's the choice I made.

I finally make it to my stop with my ass clinched so hard that I can barely walk across the street. I get to my house and go down the back alley to the back door (We never used the front). I get to my house and push my door open to run upstairs but it's LOCKED!!! My mom had gone out and I didnt have a damn key. In a panic I dash to the living room window which is adjacent to the back door and I fling it open and just as I am about to climb in, cops on a routine back alley drive pull up and sound the "Whoop Whoop" on me. The cop gets out and I start to explain: "Dude, this is my house I live here I was at school had to go to the bathroom but my mom is not home and if you don't let me go I am going to do it in my pants."
In response the cop said: "Ok, let's just see your ID to prove it's address and your on your way"
As he was speaking....SPLAT!!!!!! IN MY PANTS AND DOWN MY LEG. TO MAKE THINGS WORSE A LOG ROLLS OUT STOPPING ABOUT 3 INCHES FROM MR OFFICER SHIT BLOCKERS BLACK BOOT. He looks at me, turns around, and walks back to the car dry heaving. I am pissed at this time so I said the hell with and finish my shit right in front of the other cop because his partner blocked me from doing this in private. When I am finished I reach into my back pocket for my ID and the cop says, "I believe you" and flies off...

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Before I go....

I just got home when I got a call from my boss about a raise. I jumped into the car and drove to CanJet. I walked out of my car and into the building. At that time my stomach started hurting, I ignored it. I walked into the office and dropped my suitcase on the floor, it opened and a few things fell out. I picked them up and sat down. This is where things got interesting. We had a long talk. ``Before Ì go...`` I said. Then my bowels started. The gas came out big time! Then came the diareah all over the guest chair. Then came the pee that I couldn't hold in. My boss looked at me. I ran off... When I went back to work. I heard people saying ``Did you hear that she shit herself yesterday`` as they were pointing at me. I quit a few days later.

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Don't Poop at School

I remember when i was in the 4th grade I had actually shit my pants. Heres the story. One day I was sitting in my seat just chilling and ready to learn. All of a sudden I feel a little rumbling in my stomach. I dont think much of it and continue my time of chilling. (Now remember I was young and couldnt hold it in so well). I had reccess in a couple of minutes and thought "awesome, i can go take a dump." But because i wasnt able to hold it, I was forced to release. It was wet too so i was all red at the face, i smelled of shit, and i was sitting in what felt like mud. Luckily no one sat behind me. But the people on my sides both looked at me. I started slowly ducking down in my chair. When it was time for recess i stayed in my seat until everyone else was out of the class. But stupid me, instead of going to the bathroom i went outside anyways. My shit was slushing around and i was disgusted. A few kids were playing soccer or something like that. But I ended up tackling one of my friends and the look on this kids face when he smelled the shit was priceless. The a monitor woman called me over and told me i needed to go to the office. My parents brought me new clothes but Ive never let the moment go.

NEVER SHIT IN SCHOOL!!!! IT'S THE WORST!!!!

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Grown ups don't shit their pants (at least almost never)

The day started like most days. I was taking a vacation from work for a week, just doing things that needed done around home. The one difference was that I had to make a 75 mile drive up to the DC area to pick up a piccolo that I was getting for my daughters birthday. The trip up was quite uneventful, and I had soon exchanged $500 for the instrument and was back on the interstate heading south. About 10 minutes into the trip, I felt a stirring in my bowels, that indicated I needed to take a shit pretty soon.(why isn't it leave a shit). Oh well, I'd just passed a sign that said rest area 20 miles. I don't like using those bathrooms, especially the stalls, but I really had to go, and grownups don't shit in their pants, so I resolved to bite the bullet and stop at the rest area. Each mile, my need to go became greater. I'd been clocking the miles down on the odometer, and though I was getting pretty desperate. I was relatively sure I'd make it. Then traffic started to slow. I crept along for about another half mile, then everything came to a dead stop, right in front of a sign which said, "rest area 1 mile" so close, yet so far. There I sat, in one of the middle lanes of a 4 lane interstate, surrounded by vehicles on all sides. To make things worse, there were jersey walls along this stretch of the highway, so I couldn't just slip into the woods or something to drop my pants and shit. If it was just that I had to piss, I could have used my travel mug or something. I did need that too, but my most pressing problem was on the flip side from the pee area. How does one take a shit in a car, in the middle of a colossal traffic jam. One answer was (and the only one I could think of) was to shit in ones pants, but I wasn't quite ready to do that. After all, grownups don't shit in their pants. I sat there, pushing my bottom against the car seat, and squeezing my butt together in an effort to not crap my pants. Each second seemed like minutes, and each minute seemed an eternity. Half an hour passed, and I was involuntarily passing gas every minute or so. I could feel a massive shit trying to open my anal gate and exit into my pants. I squeezed my butt cheeks together even harder. All I could think of was, grownups don't shit in their pants. I was sweating from my efforts to hold on, and from the nearly 90 degree September heat, when I started to lose my battle. In spite of my best efforts my sphincter was giving in and I was starting to shit right there. I could feel the soft mushy poop coming out into my pants. I lifted off the seat, and my pants were immediately filled with mushy shit. Now what? I couldn't brace and hold my bottom up from the seat forever. Even if I wanted to get out and expose myself to hundreds if not thousands of people as I tried to clean out my pants, I couldn't do it without sitting down in a huge load of shit in my pants. Finally I decided, I'd just sit there and wait until traffic started to move. I eased down. It went everywhere as I eased my weight(200+pounds) onto the load in my pants. Shit spread everywhere, I could feel it nearly up to the elastic at the waist of my Fruit of The Loom briefs, and it had definitely spread past the leg openings into my jeans. There I sat in my own shit as I waited for traffic to move. Another hour passed before traffic again started to move. Each movement caused more shit to be forced out into my jeans. I looked longingly at the rest area entrance as I approached it, but it was way to late, and I was too much of a mess to think about going inside to clean up. Besides, I didn't have a change of clothing with me. I kept going, even though I now needed to pee really bad too. It took another two hours to get home, and I pissed myself too, long before then. When I got out at home, I felt shit slide down my leg as I walked to the house. Fortunately, my daughter was over at her friend's house, so I was alone, and I didn't see anyone close enough to tell that I'd shit in my pants. I went straight to the bathroom to clean up. Thank god for a hand held shower, it made the clean up a bit easier. I just threw my underpants and jeans in the trash bin, because I felt that both were beyond salvaging. I was able to wash my shirt, even though it too had shit on the lower part where it had made it up past the waist of my underwear. I guess grownups do shit in their pants sometimes.
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