Sneeze and Shit Story

I was doing some construction work at the house of this old, miserable b*tch. One morning after about 3 coffees I had to take a horrible sh*t. Rather than use the horrible woman's bathroom I chose to drive 5 miles to my house. I hopped in my van and raced home ignoring every traffic law that I could. I was so desperate to get home that I even blew by a cop with his radar gun out the window. I remember thinking that the only way he was going to be able to ticket me was on the sh*tter at my house. He must have known by the painful expression on my face and the fact that I was basically standing up in my seat that it was an emergency so he let me go. On the way home I hit every damn light between the site and my toilet. Every bump and turn felt like I was being punched in the kidneys. When I got home, I stepped out of the car and I swear there was bright, majestic light that came through the clouds as if to say everything was going to be alright. Incorrect. Apparently I am allergic to the sun because for whatever reason when the sun came out I sneezed and in the same fashion that the sun snuck through the clouds some shit snuck out my ass.

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From a Spanish TV show

I was watching a clip of some show on you tube. And there is a romantic comedy show in Spain where a wealthy charming guy has a problem with finding out which ladies is the right one for him. So after spending much time with the two ladies, he develops a funny method to selects. He requested the two ladies to goes to a restaurant he owed. There he leave for them two glasses of wine and a note telling them to meet him at the mansion within two hrs and he will have his decision ,on which one of them will be the love of his life. The two ladies drank the wines and went into a limo, provided by him of course. The ladies were wondering as to why the driver has taken the long way to get to the mansion.

          Within two hrs they made it there. The two ladies had to stay outside of the manor for a while before Mr. Prince charming came out to greet them. The guy talk for a great deal of times , the girls were getting quite nervous, one of them the one  in green shirt and black pant, were a bit uncomfortable and had a worried look on her face. The lady in the red and brown seem very relax to see the guy. The guy then announce that he need a woman who would stay with him no matter what and the woman who feel like she need to be inside the mansion instead of out here with him can go. The girl in red was looking confident; however , as for the girl in green and black pant she was looking like she was having some kinds of pain in her stomach and she’s having a hard time standing still as if she needed to use the ladies room. The guy then tell the two ladies that the wine he have them drink at the restaurant was his way of letting destiny help him choose his new bride. One of the glasses was laced with a powerful laxative. That will start to work within two hrs. The lady who choose that glass will not be able to denied her need to stay at the mansion and therefore , won’t be able to leave with him to goes fly off on his plane after this meeting. the lady in red and brown was checking her tummy to see if she was unlucky , then she look over to see her competition holding her side and looking sad and very desperate for a toilet. At this point it’s clear that the lady in red is the winner. As for the lady in green she was shaking with tears down her eyes and this time with one of her hand on the bottom, she tell the guy that she loves him and that there could be a mistake. Upon finishing her sentence she let out a long fart,  turns and ran straight for the mansion. She was gasping and moaning all the way there. The winning lady and her guy went to off to the airport and the was the end. It’s so ridiculously funny!!!!

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Rectal Explosion in Hawaii

So I was vacationing in Hawaii and one morning I woke up and left my hotel room to get a cup of coffee. On the way back the poo fairies within had to make room for another shipment. So it was on quick notice that I had to take a MASSIVE dump. I started by sprinting back to my hotel room, to doing the long strided goose-stepping, to eventually walking like a penguin and making the Peter Griffin grunts. \"eh..eh..eh.\" I got to the hotel bathroom at the nick of time, but my brother apparently had the same idea as me, but about 10 seconds before. So I knew there was an outdoor bathroom just a few yards away, so I began my march of the penguins at a quicker speed, but alas, I did not make it. I squeeked a bit out, but once I was over the toilet, I couldn\'t wait for the underpants to come off and it just exploded like nothing you\'ve ever seen. So pants around my ankles and crappy underpants just hanging there I thought I could just sneak back to my hotel room, but nope. There happens to be a ton of girls and hotel staff outside the bathroom doing who knows what. I just crammed my underpants into a garbage bin and pulled my clean pants up then casually walked out and once I was a few feet away I ran to the hotel room where I showered away the remainder of my fecal matter and shame. Aloha indeed

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Pooping at Target - ON TARGET

My friend David was shopping for cards at a local Target department store near Charleston, SC and was in fact on the greeting card aisle perusing the selection of cards, carrying a handheld shopping cart when suddenly the urge struck. David quickly dropped his cart, clenched his throbbing butt cheeks and made an urgent dash to the restrooms in the front of the store.


David barely made it to the first stall and got seated before there was an explosion like a mighty river of liquid fire bursting forth from his loins into the mighty Target bowl. Before he knew what struck him, the everpresent flow of his bowels erupted forth filling the bowl with a force like no other. As David was moaning and writhing with gut wrenching spasms, he heard a meek young voice from outside the stalls.......

"Ewwwww, daddy, smells like poo!" the young voice strongly proclaimed. David sulked in his stall hanging his head in shame and waited until the young boy and his father left the bathroom. David quickly exited the stall and darted from the bathroom and out the front door of Target, never to purchase the greeting cards he originally sought to buy.

To this day, David has ambivalent feelings about entering the portals of Target as the ambiguous emotions surrounding the events of that day inevitably come flooding back into his mind.....much like that mighty river of liquid fire that came spewing forth like molten lava from his buttocks that fateful day.
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Aral Garage

Whilst based in Germany with the military, I was driving a familiar journey of some 50 miles back to my base. In those days, my diet consisted of Kebabs and Cream Liquor. This diet had caused considerable discomfort of the toilet kind, and my ability to go for days without a dump were now nothing more than a pleasant memory. During my time in Germany, When I had the first grumble from down below, I had 5 minutes to find the throne. On this day, I had stuffed my face with kebab, and had the expected rumble of the intestine, so visited the restaurant privy to do the deed. With the system clear, I felt it would be safe to drive back to the base, so set off, paying my farewells to my friends. Little did I know, this was the last time they would ever be able to see me as a normal person. My drive started in a pretty normal fashion, but 20 mins into the journey, I knew something wasn’t quite right. The feeling of discomfort came over me, so I sped up, safe in the knowledge that ahead of me, there was a Shell garage. As I approached said garage, I could clearly see all the lights were off. Uttering the Words \"F#$k F#$k F#$k \" loudly, I wound my window down, turned the music up, and doubled my speed. Some 5 miles away, I knew there was an Aral garage; I would have to aim for this. In the distance, the blue sign of Aral loomed out of the darkness. Praise be to Allah, I said as I hand brake turned into the car park. spilling out of the door, I waddled up to the lavvy door, only to find it locked (What kind of people lock a toilet door?) Now in incredible discomfort, I waddled to the main entrance, where the slowest vestibule door makes an effort to open. As the door opened, so did my arse. I eyeballed the shop attendant with a look that said it all, and with a look of sympathy, I knew there was no help for either of us. I slowly shuffled to the boot of my car, and too out my supply of bog paper and baby wipes. Further going to the rear of the garage, I began to de clag myself. Shitty boxers now hanging from a tree, I degouged myself of copious amounts of Kack. As I replaced my trousers, a little red flashing light caught my attention. A frikkin Security camera was pointing down at me. I am still waiting for a YouTube video of me wiping my arse, and scooping out shit from my boots to appear. These days, I plan my routes more careful, and always have a portable bag toilet at hand. Bog paper, baby wipes, and even inconto pads are at hand too. I am only one step away from wearing a diaper. It has been good to share this with you, as I’m told its all part of the healing process.
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My Prom Poo

It was my high school prom and i was just finishing dinner when a strong urge to go to the bathroom made me get up. My friend said "are you ok" and i said "i really need the toilet" and she insisted to come with me because she needed to pee. So we went down stairs where the bathrooms were and every step i took my cramps got worse. My friend went in a cubicle and i waited painfully until she came out and she said "have you gone" and i just Said "I'm sorry for this" and ran in as fast as i could. I pulled my dress up, and i made the loudest series of explosive farts ever. During all of it i was moaning and groaning holding my stomach, 40 minutes later i flushed the loo and came out to my friend and i started to cry in embarrassment because she looked round and saw massive diarrhea stains all over my white dress. She gave me her spare t-shirt and shorts (well they were hot pants really) Then it was the after party when i started feeling the second attack coming on. This one felt bad, very bad. I started having huge cramps and then i felt mass amounts of air drop into my low intestine. I then began farting violently and no matter how much i squeezed my cheeks to close they just kept coming out. I was now heading for the bathroom... when i got there i saw a line waiting for it. I said how long have you been waiting for?" and the guy said "Well like forever!" So with my hands on my bottom i said "BUT I NEED TO GO NOW!" Then i was farting loudly again and everyone looked. I moaned "ooooooooooooooo" and that's when poo began to gush out of me (the hot pants were less then a foot long) and they had completely gone brown, i then rushed outside and exploded in a public bin. I was on it for 2 hours and the shorts shrunk so i couldn't put them back on. I walked home in a thong and a t-shirt in the night.

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