Baby Boomer

So...I just had my second child and was ecstatically being driven home, (in the brand new car my father gifted me). Before my departure from the hospital (as with any c-section) I was given a frequent dosing of medicines that would help me poop. I went enough before I left that they were satisfied to release me. I was about 6 miles from home and had just started up the mountain where there are no turn off 's or friendly neighbors. As we began our climb the medicines decided they would suddenly fulfill their purpose. I insist to my husband that we must hurry to the house. I clench my cheeks, and bare the awful pressure long enough to reach the top of the mountain. At this point Id rather shit at the redneck mountain top store than in my new car, so I ask my husband to stop there because I absolutely could not wait. I muster up all my strength, even still in brutal pain from surgery, and thrust out of the car and hobble towards the doors. Just my luck...Closed for the day! At this point I realize I will absolutely not make it home and I will shit in my new car if I do not unleash this fury soon. The pain of the atomic bomb in my ass was far more distracting than the fact that I am practically running and with every step I could be unseaming vitally placed stitching. I get in the car and I shout  "Go to my mother's! Now!  " Now I have woken the baby, my husband is laughing, I am sweating like a hog at the butchers and I am starting the countdown to missile launch. My mother’s house was about a mile away. My husband was slowly getting up to the speed limit and I am climbing the seat of the car.  "I'm not f-ing kidding, floor it or I am going to shit in my pants! " He is laughing hysterically, I have scared the baby to the point where she is screaming, and I feel those bubbles churning in the pit of my stomach and it is telling me  "Houston, we have lift off. " We squeal into my mothers drive-way, I throw myself from the car and make a mad dash to the front door. Locked! No one home! They never lock their doors! Ever! Accept for today. I try the side door, the back door, today this damn place is Fort F-ing Knox. I am standing at their back door with neighbors on both sides of me and one directly in back of the house and I whip down my pants like a hooker on a speed sale and I let loose the most god awful shit I have ever heard, seen, or smelled. I had to ,(while crouched and holding myself up), make several scoots to the left to avoid the pile of shit from touching my ass! After the huge piles had came out then came the spurts of chunky, food mixed, pudding-like poop. Once complete I could do nothing but stand there with the icky mess caked up in my crack. I was not going to pull up my pants. I hobbled around to the side yard and yelled for my husband. He gets out of the car, realizes I shit somewhere behind the house and almost falls over laughing. I beg him for something to wipe with, he tells me there is nothing. So bare assed and shit caked, I had to break in my mothers house. I am standing at the front door, (the only door that doesn’t have a dead bolt) trying to credit card the damn thing while my husband is laughing so hard that tears are streaming down his face. Needless to say, I do not recommend rushing to leave the hospital after child birth before you have properly released yourself.