Spicy Food Blowout

I was in some weird shopping mall which is super high on security. There was even security cameras in the bathrooms. I had recently eaten a bunch of spicy food at once (on a dare knowing what it does to me) I was sitting down eaten a donut when I felt a sudden urge down below. First it was a small cramp and then it turned into something that was just screaming "IN COMING!" I shrugged it off as just feeling a little sick. About 10 minuets later I felt it again only this time much stronger, I knew I was about to blow. I stood up, clutched my arms to my stomach not caring that people were looking and began waddling to the bathroom. It began pretty easy, walking fast with my legs close together, but after a few minuets it had turned into the march of the penguins, guest starring the well known Peter Griffin grunts "eh, eh, eh!" I finally found the bathroom and ran into a stall. Noticing that 2 of the stalls in there were occupied. I didn't care. I let lose before I could barely get my cheeks on the seat. A huge explosion noise occurred before the actual log rocket came to the surface. My ass was on fire from the spicy food that was now rushing out of me like a fiery river. I wasn't done but I was almost certain I had just blown most of my ass away so I paused for a moment. I heard some noises coming from the other 2 stalls, possibly gagging noises. I heard a guy clear his throat and the other guy hit the side of the stall. I was ready for the next lava rocket. I let lose once again, only to be greeted by a liquid substance I could only describe as chunky brown lava. It was like a busted sprinkler! I once again heard gagging noises as one of the doors slammed open, the toilet flushed, the tap turns on for a split second and I heard someone running out of the room. I gotta give it to the other guy for being such a troop though. It was then as I leaned forward in burning pain that I saw that the guy in there with me was next to me. I sat there wondering if it was over, I’m sure he was hoping the same thing. Another few gagging noises came form his stall and the feeling was back. I sat there and suddenly my ass exploded. Another load of burning sh!t came shooting out of my ass. It smelled like death in there, like rotting bodies mixed with burning flesh (well in defense, my ass flesh was on fire) the guy in the stall started coughing, gagging. I heard him utter the words "oh dear God *gag*" I don't know why he was there so long but I have a feeling it was my deadly ass explosion that kept him there un able to breathe. I was finally finished, when I looked up to Thank the heavens for the end of all that is good (sarcasm)I remember the security cameras. Boy, I don't know if anyone was watching at the time this unholy event happened but if there was hey got quite a view of the projectile sh!t train flying out of my ass. After using an odd amount of toilet paper, including finishing with the tissues had in my pocket. I opened the door, took a look at the toilet and realized if I flushed it there would be a bigger mess, plus I don't think the guy in the other stall disserved that after what he had just gone through, I looked at the stall he was in, he wasn't gagging nor making any type of noise. I closed the door of my marked stall and washed my hands and left. I sat at a Chinese take a way store close by, had a drink of water and shortly after a man opened the bathroom door, he looked very flushed and sick to his stomach. A guy went up to him, probably a friend of his and it looked as if he was warning him not to go in there. Well....that’s what happens when I eat too much spicy food, I bet I emotionally and physically scarred those guys for life.....
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Camping Story

So this is true. Happened about 20 yrs ago. We went on a week long camping trip up through the Ozarks. Wife, me and two preteen daughters.  The last night we were camping out I decided we needed to cook and eat up all of our food. We had a great dinner of hamburgers, hot dogs and some chickens all cooked over an open fire.  It was great, along with that last 6 pack of beer I had.

We were the only ones in the state park that night. Kids were in year round school, so this trip was in October. Our campsite was about a 1/2 mile from the restrooms.

Anyway, we ate and I drank, had a good time. Then got settled into our sleeping bags in the tent and went to sleep.

About 4 hours later I woke with stomach cramps, which hit me in waves.  I know too much food and drink, but didn't think it'd affect me like this. So I shifted, rolled over, in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort, all to no avail. Pain kept getting worse, pressure on the rectum was getting horrible, I started breaking out in a cold sweat. So I quietly slid out of the tent, figured I'd walk over to the restroom, let my system flush itself and then head back to relight the fire and make some coffee.

While heading over the restroom, I tripped on a rock and stumbled. This threw off my rectal concentration and before I knew it I'd shit myself with a load that must of weighed 5 lbs. I'm thinking holy cow, that actually felt good, stomach pains immediately alleviated. So then I figured might as well pee, cause that was also a major need. So now I'm standing in the woods at 5am with poop and pee all over me as if I was a 2 year old. Kind of amazing how good that felt, but that's a scary thought.

Luckily I had my van keys and was able to get an extra pair of clothes and a towel.  Headed back to the restroom now with the intent to shower, clean up and change. Which I did, but there was no hot water. So I took a freezing shower, got dressed, washed my shit on and peed pants as much as possible, loaded them into a trash bag and stuck them in the bottom of the luggage area of the van.  I made it a point to carry in the bags of clothes we had accumulated and start the washing, so no one realized that one bag was full of my wet pants.

To this day, no one but me knows that happened.
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Morning Story

I had been suffering with salmonella for a couple of days. I don’t know if salmonella has the same affect on everyone, but one of the side-effects it gave me was the complete inability to control my farts, or in other words, - which tells the story better I couldn’t help following through.

Anyway I was supposed to be going out with my girlfriend one Friday night for a meal, then sleep the night at hers, however due to my condition I was seriously considering cancelling it. I knew she’d be disappointed so I went ahead with it,... big mistake! Just a note she wasn’t aware of my condition at this time, as I was a little embarrassed for obvious reasons.

We went to a local Indian Restaurant for tea, - yes I know asking for trouble at the best of times. The food to me tasted a bit dodgy and I knew my stomach/ intestine/s (big and small one) weren’t going to be in agreement.

Anyway I am standing at the counter waiting to pay for us both, - you see the gent I am, when I feel the early signs coming on. She’d just nipped into the toilet so if I moved quickly, now was my chance to do the deed. I declined this opportunity..., how would I regret it!

Where about a stones throw from her house when the situation becomes critical!

As sods law would have it the shortcut to her house has been blocked off due to construction work. Now I’ve had it.

We either take the diversion (of about mile) the likely result of this being I shit my pants.

Or take option to clamber over a five-foot wall, again likely result I shit my pants!

Not an ideal situation by anyone’s standards!

I choose the latter as I figured if it’s going to happen it might as well happen quickly!

Sure enough I help her over the wall, - there’s the gentlemen side of me coming out again.

She’s over, - now my turn, sure enough just at the point where I hook one leg over the wall, I think almost there, simultaneously I stretch that bit too far, leaving a gaping hole for that runny poo to run into my boxers, and eventually as I near her house down my legs verging reaching my shoes.

Luckily as I was due to stay the night I had a spare change off clothes so when I got in I shot into the toilet to change, I thought to myself god forbid if this happens again, I’ll have to borrow a thong.

As you may have anticipated with the tone of this story, tragedy did strike again.

We are lazing in bed with one another, I’m massaging her back and before I know it she’s dozed off. I turn over (facing away from her now) and attempt to get some rest myself. About half an hour I feel, - what I think is a dry, quiet fart brewing. I feel so sure of this I am confident I can risk doing it next to her, which of course is a risk as this is my last pair of boxers. Taking that into consideration I pulled down my boxers by the waist revealing my naked backside.

There I go, now I am completely set and safe for whatever my bowels have in store!

Yes I am but she’s not! I was wrong with my initial prognosis of it being a quiet dry fart, -  the quiet bit was right however it was one of the wettest poos (honestly like liquid) I’ve ever released and it shot straight out of me onto her underwear lower back and upper leg.

My only saving grace was somehow she didn’t wake up, and I tip-toed out of her bedroom and into the bathroom. ten minutes later I duly returned all spotlessly clean, with no evidence that I could have possibly just done such a thing!

Need I say, I declined the offer of sleeping the rest of the night in that bed, so just lay on the floor for the rest of the night wide awake.

Around half eight the next morning I could hear her begin to stir. Innocent as ever I tapped her on the shoulder giving her an early morning kiss, and revealed to her in my special way, ‘you  appear to have had an accident babe’ she turned round, still half asleep, and had an instant look of horror all over her normally pretty face. Inside I was in hysterics but I managed to control myself, and she s[pent the next hour or so, saying things like, ‘I swear to you I haven’t done that in years, since I was 7 or something’, (now nearly 18) ‘I can’t believe I’ve done that when your hear,’ ‘Oh I feel so embarrassed.’ You get the gist of it.

I said I believed her, and constantly reassured her, saying things like, although it must have been incredibly humiliating for her, I didn’t care one bit, and said it can happen to anyone!

I couldn’t actually believe, I had managed to perform one of the greatest escapes in the history of what must be human existence.

You may be surprised to know that she still doesn’t know till this day the true happenings on that day, and we are still happily together now 3 months later!

Note: - Although this story may sound a bit skeptical/ farfetched but I promise you every word of this is 100% true. Hope you enjoy reading.

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Baby Boomer

So...I just had my second child and was ecstatically being driven home, (in the brand new car my father gifted me). Before my departure from the hospital (as with any c-section) I was given a frequent dosing of medicines that would help me poop. I went enough before I left that they were satisfied to release me. I was about 6 miles from home and had just started up the mountain where there are no turn off 's or friendly neighbors. As we began our climb the medicines decided they would suddenly fulfill their purpose. I insist to my husband that we must hurry to the house. I clench my cheeks, and bare the awful pressure long enough to reach the top of the mountain. At this point Id rather shit at the redneck mountain top store than in my new car, so I ask my husband to stop there because I absolutely could not wait. I muster up all my strength, even still in brutal pain from surgery, and thrust out of the car and hobble towards the doors. Just my luck...Closed for the day! At this point I realize I will absolutely not make it home and I will shit in my new car if I do not unleash this fury soon. The pain of the atomic bomb in my ass was far more distracting than the fact that I am practically running and with every step I could be unseaming vitally placed stitching. I get in the car and I shout  "Go to my mother's! Now!  " Now I have woken the baby, my husband is laughing, I am sweating like a hog at the butchers and I am starting the countdown to missile launch. My mother’s house was about a mile away. My husband was slowly getting up to the speed limit and I am climbing the seat of the car.  "I'm not f-ing kidding, floor it or I am going to shit in my pants! " He is laughing hysterically, I have scared the baby to the point where she is screaming, and I feel those bubbles churning in the pit of my stomach and it is telling me  "Houston, we have lift off. " We squeal into my mothers drive-way, I throw myself from the car and make a mad dash to the front door. Locked! No one home! They never lock their doors! Ever! Accept for today. I try the side door, the back door, today this damn place is Fort F-ing Knox. I am standing at their back door with neighbors on both sides of me and one directly in back of the house and I whip down my pants like a hooker on a speed sale and I let loose the most god awful shit I have ever heard, seen, or smelled. I had to ,(while crouched and holding myself up), make several scoots to the left to avoid the pile of shit from touching my ass! After the huge piles had came out then came the spurts of chunky, food mixed, pudding-like poop. Once complete I could do nothing but stand there with the icky mess caked up in my crack. I was not going to pull up my pants. I hobbled around to the side yard and yelled for my husband. He gets out of the car, realizes I shit somewhere behind the house and almost falls over laughing. I beg him for something to wipe with, he tells me there is nothing. So bare assed and shit caked, I had to break in my mothers house. I am standing at the front door, (the only door that doesn’t have a dead bolt) trying to credit card the damn thing while my husband is laughing so hard that tears are streaming down his face. Needless to say, I do not recommend rushing to leave the hospital after child birth before you have properly released yourself.


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